he thought i was a dude.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
