last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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