i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
