you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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