Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
