I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
