We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I need water and some morals
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
