What did we do last night that was yellow?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
