then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
