I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
