Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Oh god it's open bar.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
