how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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