Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Someone shattered a urinal.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
