Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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