if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
