The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
