A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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