I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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