I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
FUCK WHALES
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
