how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
