the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
