tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
