Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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