Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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