You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i love accidental penises.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
