You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
