You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
