I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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