so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
