She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
