I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
