Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
