the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
