im about as happy as oj after his trial
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
