and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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