Even water is tasting like jack daniels
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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