So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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