I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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