end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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