my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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