I can text with my tongue
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
only you would photoshop your dick
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
