the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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