I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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