What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
