my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
