it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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