i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
