i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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