3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
