Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
