Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
