I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
