i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
